It’s a new year and I’m fat. Now’s the time when I’m supposed to do something about that, right? First, I’ll mortify my flesh, because the world is just and I get what I deserve. So while fat may not be my fate, it’s at least my fault. Jesus wasn’t fat, and he died for my gluttonous sin. If only I could be more like Him. Or the beautiful vegans on Instagram, all so thin and rich and tan. What’s their secret? Must have had a Tony Robbins “Date with Destiny”: I should try that too. But I don’t have four grand to kill! Better read Corvus Nocturnum’s newest tome on getting rich and why and how. Holy shit! This isn’t working! Or making me happier! Oh well, shikata ga nai, c’est la vie, it wasn’t meant to be. Hey, hakuna matata, right? Are we getting anywhere with all this crap? Nope! Want a way out? Note: a way, NOT the way. Follow my example and click here for deets.